I have wanted to share my story of Letting go....it has been a big old time here in my lil World...

I do believe it is all in the letting go, there is so much talk about manifesting blah blah and creating the new, especially with the New Year but how can we be creating new without letting go the old...it's painful, it's heart breaking, it's frightening, it's freeing...it's kind of everything, every dam feeling while walking through it.

Horrid and beautiful.

So here it is..I will just back up a bit it started on 9 December

I had 30 minutes before picking my children up from school

So I hid out on the beach covering up my head so I wouldn't be seen.

Saying fck over and over ...

Dreading that 2 of my 3 children were moving from New Zealand to San Fran to be with their Dad for 18 months. They are 10 and 16. In less than one week.

Their choice. I have been mothering for 19 years and the last 3 intensely on my own.

Then ....next minute my old friend turns up and I burst into tears...she gets straight in there as good friends do and says why are you waiting to get out of the property you are renting until 11 January rent is expensive etc etc? I knew that being there without  the kids was going to be painful, all the memories in my face,  no kids around nor their delightful friends.......So I decide in those 20 minutes that I would move out in 3 weeks, I would also rehouse our Cat......as I will go camping and just hang out for a while until I get into a good frame of mind and choose somewhere new to land/live.....

Well I knew it was going to be a massive task letting go my children, our dear pussy cat and the sweet house that had held my 3 children and I for 2 years, (my eldest (18) went to live in the city earlier in the year)....all in one go...but I wanted to do it

So I went for it, it felt right too. I bought the dates forward and within an hour the Storage guy and the Mover guys who I had already arranged for 11 January said yes they could do it on 28 December............I took that as a sign........a good one !

It nearly blew me apart saying goodbye to my children...I have been it for them 24/7 as we dont live in our home city....so I only have the support of good friends I have made.....one of my best friends came and stayed the night the day Taj left and we laughed and cried and she assured me I would be ok....on some level I knew I would be, it was just processing and walking through the grief and yet still knowing I was going to be ok. and getting into the mammoth task ahead of clearing out and letting go

I had to rehouse our dear pussy cat , one of the teenagers  was a bit annoyed and letting me know it and so were the other children, I said gently but firmly that I had had to make some really tough decisions with them choosing to go live with their Dad....anyhow  the first family that came had just lost their cat and were projecting all their grief and needs and wants on too poor Bali and she felt it and was not her normal self nor interested so they decided not to go ahead...phew I wouldn't have let them have her anyhow...

Then the 2nd family that came were so adorable, Mum was such a love and the 3 children delightful....Bali loved them and they wanted to take her straight away........I cried so much relief............for her and us...she was going to a wonderful family.....

Then came the mission of culling and giving away half of the house contents in 10 days for only the most precious things to go into storage.

That scared the hell of me as I realised I had become quite a hoarder in 3 years of being on my own with the children. Saving everything and treasuring the whole freakin lot as well as being an Artist I have Art and equipment everywhere. Also a hell of a lot of scarcity mentality...and I did't want to face up to the fact that the kids were leaving, so I held on to everything hoping they might change their minds........crying as I wanted to go through every single thing in my house and work out whether to keep or give away, all the memories of my children's things right there-everywhere.......... I got rid of half of the house which was so massive.....to let go...

In the mean time I needed to get the garden all tided up and found this gorgeous gardener and asked if his family would like everything I was getting rid of ............well they couldn't believe it a family of 6 right on Christmas time. They with only the bare essentials..... it felt amazing....I did cry though when the 10year old daughter  turned up with her Dad and had my little 10 years son's cap on.

I worked day and night, barely sleeping and thought 3 times that I might have a dam nervous breakdown with what I had taken on. Especially at such a busy time of year. But I wanted to get it all done in the year of 2016...I had my girlfriends texting me every day with love, support and wisdom.

I went and did 2 Shen therapy sessions with my girlfriend to deal with the emotional grief of my children going and I also worked with my Shamanic mentor to pull in support also. I cried and when I got really low I pulled in all my ancestors and deceased loved ones...many, many times...it was beautiful to feel their loving support especially as the exhaustion started to kick my butt. Every time I asked for guidance and support it came in the form of help turning up or just that warm knowing feeling in my body that I am on the right track and most of all that on some level I have got this !

Oh I must add I had wanted to get rid of my king bed that my ex and I had shared and  I never had as my little guy loved to sleep in it with me and all my kids would jump all over it with me and we would snuggle up together in it.

My girlfriend turned up and shes only about 4 foot tall well we dragged the bed and a dresser out on to the road (as we do here in Auckland) and a beautiful couple pulled up and took it with them........that was such a massive relief to let go that bed and all it represented.......I pulled in the loving memories of the bed and of my children and let it GO big time.

I was really aware in the lead up to my children leaving not to fill the space with a boyfriend, somewhere to escape my sadness and grief. Yes sure if someone lovely showed up - great.  But I wasn't going to consciously fill that empty space. Or even make myself so busy with sh*t that I then wouldn't have to think about or know about how I was really feeling. I've had many dark nights of the soul where company would have been a blessing and somewhere to put my grief.

The day came I moved out, let go my life that once was and went house-sitting at my darling girl friends house instead of camping straight away, ....I have had loads of offers of accommodation with friends which I took up and just rested and recharged for a bit before venturing off camping and my new life.

It has been interesting living out of my car. But mostly lovely as I flow with where I am feeling I need to go...living by instinct...I have a little library set up and I do my work from my phone and by the beach. I have everything I need.

It's the simple things I love, a warm shower, a comfy bed now and then. Charging my phone. Feeling the love of my children, the love of my dear friends and beautiful company. Oh and laughter, laughter is important.

And the natural beauty that surrounds me daily.

Last night I went to sleep with a sky full of stars and was woken to the most divine sunrise down on the beach ...

I go to San Fran in two weeks to see my darlings. I can't wait.

The artwork {graphics ) are by one of my clients. We did a session a few weeks ago and I walked through with her letting go in her own life. She then created this and with her permission I am allowed to share it here.

Thanks for reading my story

I have kept a lot of detail out otherwise it would be days long. If you want to know anything more message me.

Much love

Lisa

Xxx