Sometimes the darkest moments are where the gifts lay.... 

Sometimes the darkest moments are where the gifts lay

That was my experience..

I was 29 years old

Just had my first baby

She was divine and quite easy going

I really struggled with being a first time Mum

I wasn't used to using my gut instinct and flowing with things

I spent most of the time worrying if she was alright

and trying to do a perfect job

I didn't sleep at all for the first nine weeks

in fact longer than that

I was too scared to go to sleep in case something happened to her

I was paranoid and exhausted

and couldn't get any deep rest.

not even for a few moments

It was such a lonely experience

I would be despairing and in tears

especially those hours between 2am - 5am

One of those nights

My Grandmother ~ Nana Myers appeared on my shoulder

She had passed away about 10 years before

I loved her

and I missed her

She was quite eccentric and had a wild sense of humour

I discounted it was her

As she came

night after night

Telling me she was here

Loving me

I would feel her presence

I had to get through all my fears and beliefs

about her being there

that was back in the day when there was no internet

not the information that we have available now

I didn't dare tell anyone in case they thought I was crazy

No one that I knew discussed this sort of thing..

Every night she would keep appearing

I would be crying and telling myself I can't do this

she would reassure me

that I am doing well and that most of all that she loved me

I was completely vulnerable and wide open

I felt as though this experience had stripped me bare

So in some ways I guess  it was easier for her to reach me

My Nana became my go to at nights from then on

and until this day....

It was one of my lowest moments but also one of the biggest gifts I have ever received.

My Nana gave me access to her again

and helped me understand how I walk in this world..

surrounded by my deceased loved ones..

it is just part of who I am

I cannot run away from it

It is just who I am

Thank you Nana

I love you xxx

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