Sometimes the darkest moments are where the gifts lay
That was my experience..
I was 29 years old
Just had my first baby
She was divine and quite easy going
I really struggled with being a first time Mum
I wasn't used to using my gut instinct and flowing with things
I spent most of the time worrying if she was alright
and trying to do a perfect job
I didn't sleep at all for the first nine weeks
in fact longer than that
I was too scared to go to sleep in case something happened to her
I was paranoid and exhausted
and couldn't get any deep rest.
not even for a few moments
It was such a lonely experience
I would be despairing and in tears
especially those hours between 2am - 5am
One of those nights
My Grandmother ~ Nana Myers appeared on my shoulder
She had passed away about 10 years before
I loved her
and I missed her
She was quite eccentric and had a wild sense of humour
I discounted it was her
As she came
night after night
Telling me she was here
Loving me
I would feel her presence
I had to get through all my fears and beliefs
about her being there
that was back in the day when there was no internet
not the information that we have available now
I didn't dare tell anyone in case they thought I was crazy
No one that I knew discussed this sort of thing..
Every night she would keep appearing
I would be crying and telling myself I can't do this
she would reassure me
that I am doing well and that most of all that she loved me
I was completely vulnerable and wide open
I felt as though this experience had stripped me bare
So in some ways I guess it was easier for her to reach me
My Nana became my go to at nights from then on
and until this day....
It was one of my lowest moments but also one of the biggest gifts I have ever received.
My Nana gave me access to her again
and helped me understand how I walk in this world..
surrounded by my deceased loved ones..
it is just part of who I am
I cannot run away from it
It is just who I am
Thank you Nana
I love you xxx