I had worked towards itfor 2 years
Of course I was still nervous
It was so important to me
It was early November in 2016
As the finale of 2 years of Shamanic training
I was to sit out in Nature for 18 hours
Also called a Vision quest
I had to create a Medicine wheel
only small
and sit inside it
the whole time
No food or water
and observe everything that came across my Medicine wheel
If you’ve ever spent time with me
you know I am a bit of a fidget
I like to talk and move
learn and move
everything and move at the same time
I just love movement
So to sit still
sit in my feelings
stay still when I was uncomfortable as all
hell
No where to run
Not be able to hide in food
or on my phone
or red wine and chocolate
Or call a girlfriend
Or fall asleep
and checkout
I had to stay sitting up
and use everything I had learnt those last two years to do this
I had no idea of the time
I had just the clothes I was wearing on
I felt sadness
like oh this is so familiar
being alone
I fckn hate this I yelled at the sky
I cried and cried
I felt rage
That hit at I am guessing around 3am
When I got so cold and crazy with the anger that I thought I was going to die my legs were freezing
I screamed at the sky
over and over
I blamed everyone
everything
Why was no one taking care for me
Every single emotion I sat through
hour after hour
I called on my ancestors and my guides to hold me tight
They did as always
but I had to sit with the huge range of emotions
I could feel all the insects around me
I could hear the mosquitos
I just wanted love and comfort
It was the first time I really connected with the stars
that was all I had it felt like to me
It was a clear cool night and because I was in the bush
with the elders sitting in a location on the land
holding space nearby,
as I went through this
The stars shone bright
In the end they were my saving grace
I would get mad, sad, angry and everything in between
then I would look up and bathe in the gentleness of them
despair kept appearing
I thought the night was never going to end
That night I left so much behind
I’m not sure exactly what
I just remember the feelings I shed
A big burn off
I came to know myself and my strength
I was proud
and my friend who saw me straight after said they couldn’t believe how free I looked
I often think of this night
and what I knew that night.
I painted this after
Of being with the stars