I bow to the year that was 2020
You taught me so many things
I was forced to look into those deep dark corners of myself
I didn't want to go near
I didn't want the light shone in there
I wanted to continue old habits
old ways
Run away from things that felt uncomfortable
Not face them head on
Being in those lockdowns taught me soooo much
Being faced with unresolved stuff
The silence was often so deafening
The being indoors
A lot of my freedoms gone
Not being able to escape to things I would normally do
Like Nature
Connecting with friends & family face to face
Seeing all the ways I used to avoid facing myself
and try and run away from myself
For years I had felt uncomfortable about having a little glass of red wine every night
Either while I cooked dinner or with dinner
I would justify it by saying it was only a small glass
I had bought this ornate tiny glass at the thrift shop
But I would wrestle with myself every dam day
Beat up on myself
About the fact that on some level I needed that glass of Red
To me it was soul destroying
Because I felt like an alcoholic and as though I was hiding something
And I knew I was
To me I was
Because when it came to quitting it
I had so much anger and rage inside of me
About stopping
I was struck by this and wondered if I gave up the red wine
Where would I then put/channel these emotions
How would I deal with them
I hard to turn and face myself
Well actually I didn't have to
I just went ok this is it
In the middle of the Level 4 Lockdown
That was 25 May 2020
I don't really like to be to rigid about things
generally in my life
But I dunno really, something inside of me
has just wanted to stick with this
not having a drink
not having the need for it
I noticed for a while after how I hit the dark chocolate a bit harder
But that soon levelled out
I guess for me it just felt good to not have to walk through
that daily beating up on myself about it
It felt like a choke hold
And I wanted that gone, gone,gone.
Maybe one day I will have a glass of vino again
But for now it's so empowering,
not having the energy of that around and within me.
I certainly understand the battle with it
That's for sure, it’s super intense.
