TRIGGER WARNING
I wished I knew then, what I know now.
I was 23 years old,
I wish I had known; all about 'Boundaries’ and feeling safe to speak up, as I do now.
I would have spoken up; probably punched the photographer in the face that told me to take my top off at the end of our photoshoot.
Luckily it wasnt the man who took these photos though; he was one of the more decent ones.
I would have stood up for myself more when that ‘family friend’ put his hand down my top at a family friendly gathering. I was wild, humiliated and raging. I was 24 years old then and alot of his disguisting behaviour was being excused.
I would have smashed and knocked out that old pervert Physiotherapist, when I was 13 years old, who made me take off my top and bra, just to look at my neck.
I would have thrown a brick at the man who flashed me his bits at the beach after I had been lying there in the sun minding my own business.
Back then, I would have walked straight into that Principals office, who held my son in there after a meeting with him and his mates. He, in essence, took advantage of my son by asking him all sorts of inappropriate personal questions about me. My son was wild that he took advantage of his position like that. My son at 8 years old knew what that fckwit was up too.
I am so proud of myself for standing up to a man, who in the past few years knew exactly what he wanted from me, pretending to be a friend; but when he couldnt get it, he would throw his weight around and get wild with me. He is used to getting what he wants all the time. It was so empowering to block him and say no fck off.
It has been so massively empowering to take care of ME and learn all about creating safe and healthy boundaries for myself and saying NO and every version of NO and fck off possible !!
It took having two brief but intense and scary relationships, a few years back, for me to understand that I needed to bring in some big ass boundaries and strengthen myself. I learned this through 18 months of free counselling I received, as the Police were involved with the second person.
I was to scared to report the first person to the Police. I didnt feel safe enough.
Both of these men were so close to being violent with me. I knew it was coming I could feel it. Also because they had been violent in so many other ways. By way of threatening, scaring the hell out of me. Abusing me sexually, financially, spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically.
You may well think but how did I get myself into those two situations in the first place.
What I know more than anything now is this.
That if someone wants something and they are hell bent on getting it. They will do anything in their power to make it happen.
I can see it, feel it, smell it from miles away now, this behaviour.
I know how it is when you are 10 foot in and can’t see the wood for the trees and doubting yourself. Because I was that person. Made to feel crazy, and horrible about myself all day everyday. Being told the worst things about how bad I was.
Being isolated and kept away from close friends; because the abuser was scared they’d be found out.
With a huge amount of bravery and courage I got myself out. I then went to that Counselling every week for 18 months determined to strengthen and know myself better.
I hated keeping quiet all of those times in my life because I was scared or felt threatened or that in some way it was my fault.
Not now though
Not ever again.
I live my life knowing my boundaries.
And clearly knowing my NO!
