The grip it had on me was all consuming
and frankly it scared me
I'd never let anyone know that
I fought with myself intensely for months
Then for three nights before I knew I was going to stop completely
My Tupuna (ancestors) had been nudging me
It wasn't until I knew I had to give it up
That I realised how scary it was going to be
I couldn't walk this path any longer
I had reduced myself to drinking a small glass of red wine every night
I had purposely bought an ornate glass from the Thrift shop
Pretending it was "just " a small glass
Sometimes it was two glasses
But I needed it every single night
Every night I justified it in some way and I hated myself for it
I hated myself everytime I drank
I hated how I would numb out
The need for the alcohol was so overwhelming it scared me
Summonings all of my energy and strength to do this
What I experienced was nothing short of terrifying
Those three nights I fought a huge black energy above me
This energy wanted to stay in me
With me
Within me
It would not give up the fight
The mental pain was excruciating
It would torture me for hours
Waging full blown terror with me
Spew self hatred into me
Some of this was mine, some of it was not
It had come down through the generations
My body, sweating, rigid, fighting, battling this -that felt and looked like a black reptile
It was powerful as hell
Not letting up
There were moments I wanted to succumb
Who would I be without this.
What would come up in my life -that I wouldn't be able to face without glass of wine or more !
My ancestors there with me
And yet I felt so alone
This energy wanted me to keep feeling that I was alone
That I had no support
Not here in the physical
Nor from my Tupuna -ancestors and my Kaitiaki -spirit guardians
I had used it to numb
Not feel my sadness, deep sadness
Pain, anguish
Some of which wasn't even mine
It was had come down through the generations
The same pain, shame, abuse, deep self hate
Which had been masked with alcohol
I had to fight this and my own deep pain and self hatred.
I was determined and terrified
Three nights it took
The nights were the worst
Flashbacks of pain buried
After the third night I felt a shift
It had left me
I was exhausted
Now the real work would start
Staying on my path
There has been five occasions since then that I have had a drink to" celebrate"
I haven't enjoyed it
For me it has been like taking a sip of alcohol at the same time as taking a sip of self hate.
and that is not for me.
Slaying that demon is where my strength lies and only I can know how this feels.
It gives me strength
and keeps me feeling proud of myself
and that's what I want
No more self hatred.
If you have read down this far- thank you
Arohanui - all my love
Lisa
xxx
